What Are We Really Weighing When Choosing Between Sleep Training and Rocking Them to Sleep?
“Do I really have to do sleep training for my child to fall asleep on their own?”
“If I don’t train them, will they need to be rocked to sleep for the rest of their life?”
These are questions I hear almost every week at the clinic. And in Australia, this issue often comes with an added layer of practical pressure.
With no domestic help and no grandparents on hand to assist, many parents work during the day and then face nighttime awakenings, bedtime routines, and chronic sleep deprivation alone at night. So, when energy and patience are completely drained, “sleep training” appears to be a way out that can get the family functioning again. This choice isn’t a sign of indifference, but rather the struggle and balancing act of immigrant families under real-world conditions.
Sleep training and soothing are not black-and-white issues. Parents who support sleep training are not unloving; they are simply exhausted. And parents who choose to soothe their children are not being indulgent; they are sensitively attuned to the fact that what a child needs at night is companionship and a sense of security.
Behind both approaches lies the same underlying motivation: the hope that the child sleeps well, and that the adults can hold on.
For infants and toddlers, sleep is an experience of separation. From a developmental perspective, sleep is not merely physical rest but an experience tinged with separation. For young children, falling asleep symbolizes a temporary separation from their primary caregiver. Turning off the lights, lying down, and the room gradually falling silent—this sequence of changes is, in itself, enough to trigger anxiety in some children. This explains why some children who seem independent and able to explore freely during the day become particularly clingy at night. This is not a regression; rather, in the darkness and silence, their nervous systems need to reaffirm their sense of safety.
As discussed in the concept of the “secure attachment loop” in the first issue of *The Parenting Bridge*, children venture out to explore the world during the day and naturally return to their caregivers at night to seek a sense of security. This back-and-forth is a healthy and necessary part of development.
Why does sleep training work for some children but not for others?
In child development research, “temperament” has long been regarded as a key factor influencing a child’s ability to adapt to sleep. Child psychiatrists Thomas and Chess noted early in their research that children differ innately in the intensity of their reactions, their ability to adapt to new environments, and their tolerance for separation.
Some children are naturally more stable, react less strongly to change, adapt well to a fixed routine, and can tolerate brief separations. For these children, sleep training conducted in a gentle, structured manner often helps establish a sleep pattern more quickly. However, some children have a more sensitive temperament and react strongly to environmental changes and separation, requiring more physical contact and emotional responsiveness to build a sense of security. Research and clinical observations have shown that if such children are asked to “fall asleep on their own” before they are ready, they may stop crying outwardly—appearing to have adapted—while internally remaining in a state of high tension. This does not mean the child has learned to fall asleep, but rather that they have learned to stop seeking help.
Therefore, the issue has never been whether sleep training itself is right or wrong, but whether the method matches the child’s temperament. In developmental psychology, this is called “fit”—when caregiving aligns with a child’s innate traits, true learning and adaptation can occur. So, the question has never been “should we train them?” The truly important question is: Is this child ready? Can their temperament handle this separation? Do they already possess some self-soothing abilities? And does the caregiver still have the emotional bandwidth to continue responding? In immigrant families, sometimes we aren’t choosing a theory; we’re choosing a way that allows the whole family to keep going. There is no right or wrong in this.
In reality, many families take a middle path. For quite a few families, the most feasible approach is neither complete non-training nor endless soothing. Instead, it involves incorporating structure into their responses—a fixed bedtime routine, a predictable rhythm, and gradually reducing intervention as the child becomes ready. The child isn’t forced to learn how to sleep; rather, they slowly prepare themselves while being accompanied.
If you ask me about my personal choice, I’ll be honest—I’ve always leaned toward rocking her to sleep and co-sleeping. It’s not because I think this is the only correct way, but because I understand my child’s temperament, and I know that at that stage, I cared more about her sense of security than whether the method was “successful.”
I chose to be there for her when she needed me, and I believe that once she’s built up enough security, she’ll naturally be ready to let go.
Closing
Sleep training and rocking a child to sleep are neither right nor wrong. What truly matters is the child’s temperament, the family’s circumstances, and whether the caregiver receives adequate support. As immigrants, we often have to choose between our ideals and reality. As long as that choice is made with understanding, respect, and love, it deserves to be affirmed. May all parents around the world enjoy a good night’s sleep.
About the Author
Chloe Wong
Chloe Wong is an immigrant mother and speech pathologist based in Melbourne. She is the founder of Blackburn Speech & Paediatric Therapy, a bilingual multidisciplinary clinic supporting children and families from culturally and linguistically diverse backgrounds.
Having worked closely with immigrant families for many years, Chloe believes that while grandparents and parents may differ in approach, their intention is the same — to give the next generation a better life.
Through this column, she brings together research-informed insights and practical strategies to build bridges between generations, helping love translate into meaningful, effective support for children.
Follow her on Instagram: @phd.speechie.mum