Last week, we attended several different birthday parties. One scene kept repeating itself: a child tightly clutching onto their toy while adults took turns persuading them — “Be more generous.” “Don’t be so selfish.” “Let your little sister play with it.” Sometimes, the toy was even taken directly from the child and handed to another.
For families with only one child, sharing can already be difficult. For families with two or more children, parents often deal with conflicts over sharing every single day. Adults hope to teach politeness and generosity. But what we often see on the child’s face is anxiety and defensiveness. So the question is: should we force children to share?
Sharing Is Actually a Developmental Spectrum
From a developmental psychology perspective, sharing is not something that happens instantly. It develops gradually alongside brain maturity and emotional growth.
Ages 2–3: The Ownership Stage
At this age, children are learning the concept of “This is mine.” A sense of ownership is an important foundation of self-development. When a child clings tightly to a toy, they are often trying to establish boundaries — not intentionally being selfish.
Ages 4–6: The Rule-Learning Stage
Children begin to understand ideas like taking turns and fairness, though this understanding usually still depends on external reminders. Sharing at this stage is often prompted by adults rather than internally motivated.
Age 7 and Above: The Internalisation Stage
As empathy and moral reasoning develop, children become more capable of seeing things from another person’s perspective. Psychologist Lawrence Kohlberg suggested that moral development progresses from avoiding punishment to understanding social norms and the needs of others. Genuine generosity comes from internal values, not external pressure.
In other words, sharing does not magically appear once a child reaches a certain age. It develops gradually through cognitive maturity and emotional security.
What Happens When We Force Sharing?
When adults suddenly take a toy away, children may learn:
- My boundaries do not matter.
- Things can be taken away unexpectedly.
- I need to hold on even tighter.
Attachment theory suggests that a sense of security is built when boundaries are respected. Self-Determination Theory also tells us that humans naturally need autonomy. When children feel controlled, they often resist more strongly. When they feel respected, they become more willing to cooperate.
True generosity grows from safety and autonomy — not pressure.
Step by Step: Teaching Instead of Forcing
1｜Respect Ownership and Give Time
When a child clings to a toy, you might say:
“This is yours. I understand you don’t want to share right now.”
Then add:
“When you’re ready, you can choose to share it. Let me know when you feel ready.”
If the child still says no, there is no need to rush into correction. You can calmly respond:
“That’s okay. We can check again later.”
A few minutes later, ask again:
“Are you ready now?”
This process helps children practise self-regulation and delayed response, rather than immediate obedience.
2｜Encourage Empathy, Not Pressure
If the child still refuses, you can gently add:
“Your little sister is waiting over there. She would really like a turn too.”
This is not criticism — it is simply information. Children begin to notice the feelings and needs of others. Empathy often develops more naturally in a safe environment than under pressure.
3｜Teach Taking Turns
If letting go is still difficult, you can say:
“You can play for two more minutes, then we’ll take turns.”
Taking turns is often the foundation of sharing. Developmentally, it is much more realistic than expecting a child to immediately give something up.
What I Observed at Home
When my daughter was around two years old, she also used to cling tightly to her toys. Instead of taking them away, I often reminded her:
“This is your toy. You can decide when to share it. If you’re not ready, you can tell the other child.”
Sometimes she chose not to share. Sometimes, a few minutes later, she would hand the toy over on her own.
I realised that when she knew her belongings would not be forcibly taken away, she actually found it easier to let go.
Of course, there were still difficult moments. Sometimes she resisted. Sometimes she cried. But my goal was never to raise a “perfectly generous” child overnight. What I hope for is that, with her boundaries respected, she slowly learns how to balance holding on and letting go.
True sharing is not motivated by fear of punishment. It comes from knowing: even if I give something away, I am still safe.
Final Thoughts
Children are not born selfish. They are learning how to balance ownership and relationships. Sharing is not about being forced to give something up. It is a choice that grows gradually through safety and autonomy.
Between holding on and letting go, what we are really teaching is not obedience — but respect and trust. When boundaries are acknowledged, generosity often follows naturally.
About the Author
Chloe Wong
Chloe Wong is an immigrant mother and speech pathologist based in Melbourne. She is the founder of Blackburn Speech & Paediatric Therapy, a bilingual multidisciplinary clinic supporting children and families from culturally and linguistically diverse backgrounds.
Having worked closely with immigrant families for many years, Chloe believes that while grandparents and parents may differ in approach, their intention is the same — to give the next generation a better life.
Through this column, she brings together research-informed insights and practical strategies to build bridges between generations, helping love translate into meaningful, effective support for children.
Follow her on Instagram: @phd.speechie.mum