Chloe Wong

Chloe Wong

When Your Baby Cries, Should You Pick Them Up — or Let Them Cry a Little?

“Don’t pick him up every time he cries. He’ll get clingy.”
A grandmother once said this to me in the clinic, her voice full of conviction.
Sitting beside her, the mother looked conflicted.
“But the books say we should respond immediately… Should I not let him cry at all?”
I smiled gently.
I have heard this conversation countless times.
To the older generation, letting a baby cry for a while was not considered harmful.
“Let him cry — it strengthens the lungs.”
“If you carry him too much, how will he learn to be independent?”
But for many new parents, the struggle feels different.
They find themselves caught between anxiety and guilt.
Should I pick him up?
Should I wait?
Am I being too soft — or too harsh?
It can feel like two generations standing on opposite ends of a scale.
Yet deep down, they want the same thing —
a child who grows up healthy, resilient, and stronger than they were.

The Wisdom of the Previous Generation: A Choice Shaped by Reality
When we look back at our parents’ and grandparents’ generation, life was not easy.
Adults worked long hours.
They managed households.
They often cared for multiple children at once.
Responding to every cry simply wasn’t realistic.
So “he’ll stop crying eventually” and “don’t carry him too much” became practical parenting strategies.
It was not coldness.
It was survival wisdom under limited resources.

What Research Has Helped Us Understand
In recent decades, child development research has given us a deeper understanding of what crying means.
A baby’s cry is not manipulation.
It is not attention-seeking.
It is not “being spoiled.”
It is their only language.
I’m hungry.
I’m scared.
I’m uncomfortable.
I need you.
When these signals repeatedly go unanswered, a baby’s brain can remain in a heightened state of stress and alertness.
But when a baby learns,
“When I cry, someone comes,”
the world begins to feel safe.
And when the world feels safe, a child dares to explore it.
In other words:
Children who are gently responded to are often more independent — not less.
Security is the foundation of independence.

The Circle of Security: Holding On and Letting Go
In my clinical work, I often share a simple but powerful concept with parents: the Circle of Security.
It describes the parent-child relationship as a circle.
At the top of the circle, the child moves out to explore — to play, to try, to fall, to experiment.
At the bottom of the circle, the child returns — tired, frightened, or overwhelmed — seeking comfort and reassurance.
Throughout the day, children move back and forth between these two positions.
The role of the adult is not to push the child further than they are ready to go,
nor to hold them so tightly that they cannot explore.
Our role is to be the person who:
Holds them when they need holding,
and lets go when they are ready to go.
When a baby cries, they are often returning to the bottom of the circle.
Responding to that cry is not spoiling them.
It is strengthening the base from which independence grows.

Does That Mean We Must Pick Them Up Every Time?
At this point, many parents feel even more confused.
Does secure attachment mean I must pick up my baby every single time they cry?
Not necessarily.
The Circle of Security emphasises emotional availability, not mechanical reactions.
What children need is not to be constantly held.
What they need is the certainty that:
“When I turn back, you will be there.”
Some cries signal fear, pain, or separation anxiety — these are clear bids for connection. A hug and soothing are appropriate.
Other cries may come from small frustrations — a block tower falling, a toy out of reach. In those moments, instead of immediately rescuing, we might kneel beside them and encourage them to try again.
Still others may be protests against boundaries — not wanting to change a diaper, not wanting to stop playing. These moments require calm, steady presence and clear limits, not necessarily physical comfort.
Sometimes, stepping closer, kneeling to their eye level, and saying, “I’m here,” is enough.
Sometimes a gentle touch on the back is sufficient.
Sometimes pausing for a few seconds allows the child to regulate on their own.
Responding does not always mean picking up.
It means staying connected.

My Personal Reflection
This reminds me of my own daughter.
Before she turned three, she was very attached to me.
If I walked just a few steps away, she would cry.
Someone once joked, “That’s because you carry her too much.”
For a brief moment, I doubted myself.
But I continued to kneel down, hold her, and say softly, “Mama is here.”
Gradually, something shifted.
She began to run off to play on her own.
She explored independently.
Sometimes she would even tell me, “Mama, you sit here and wait for me.”
That was when I understood —
A child who has been held enough is the one who walks the furthest.

In Closing
As immigrant families, we often carry two things at once:
The wisdom of our elders
and the insights of modern research.
These do not have to be in conflict.
Our parents and grandparents offer us experience.
We bring new understanding.
Together, they form a fuller kind of love.
We do not need to be perfect parents.
We only need to be the kind of adults who:
Hold our children when they need holding,
and let go when they are ready to go.
Because love does not spoil a child.
Security helps them grow.

About the Author
Chloe Wong

Chloe Wong is an immigrant mother and speech pathologist based in Melbourne. She is the founder of Blackburn Speech & Paediatric Therapy, a bilingual multidisciplinary clinic supporting children and families from culturally and linguistically diverse backgrounds.

Having worked closely with immigrant families for many years, Chloe believes that while grandparents and parents may differ in approach, their intention is the same — to give the next generation a better life.

Through this column, she brings together research-informed insights and practical strategies to build bridges between generations, helping love translate into meaningful, effective support for children.

Follow her on Instagram: @phd.speechie.mum 

Summer may be officially over, but autumn brings its own magic — golden sunshine, crisp air, and vibrant leaves. It’s the perfect time to rug up, head outside, and explore the city’s most scenic strolls.

Carlton Gardens

As autumn sets in, the Royal Exhibition Building is framed by a canopy of warm-toned leaves. Visit at sunset for a rose-gold glow and stop by the Hochgurtel Fountain — a peaceful place to pause, whatever the weather. Afterwards, take a short walk to nearby Lygon Street for a cosy Italian meal or coffee.

Fitzroy Gardens

Tucked on the edge of the CBD, Fitzroy Gardens offers a tranquil escape with tree-lined paths and ornamental ponds that glisten under autumn light. Wander through fern gully and under avenues of elms before grabbing a feel-good coffee at KereKere Green.

Treasury Gardens

This serene park contrasts evergreen conifers with golden oak leaves drifting to the ground. It’s a great place to unwind or people-watch — especially near the Parliament precinct. As night falls, keep an eye out for the resident possums that come out to play.

Royal Botanic Gardens Victoria

A must for any nature lover, the Royal Botanic Gardens explode with autumn colour. Meander through groves of deciduous trees, crunch through piles of fallen leaves, and loop around the ornamental lake for ever-changing views. Don’t miss the arid garden and the dramatic contours of Guilfoyle’s Volcano.